Dear Kwame Brown,
Thank you for applying to be on my fantasy basketball team. I have taken into consideration many factors while making this decision, but I believe I have made the correct one:
No way. Uh-uh. I’m not buying it. I’ve followed your career too long and too close to get fooled again. Sure, you’ve gotten some nice run the past few games in place of Chris Mihm, topping the 35 mpg mark that usually makes players relevant fantasy-wise. And yeah, you’ve been not-too-terrible in those 5 games you started, going for 9.4 and 7 on 61% shooting. And perhaps best of all, you qualify at center, making pedestrian numbers like that worth looking at. But here’s a secret that I know about you. You might not like me letting it out, but I’ve got a responsibility here, so here goes:
You’re a terrible basketball player.
There, I said it. You have no concept of how to play defense. People blame your small hands for all the turnovers, but the real problem is that you don’t know what to do with the ball when you get it. You’ve managed to actually regress from the free-throw line, and now you’re averaging a Ben Wallace-esque 54% from the field. Unfortunately, that’s the only Wallace-esque thing about you. You’re completely allergic to blocks and steals. In fact, of the 43 guys who qualify at center on ESPN, you’re 34th in blocks per 48 minutes. That’s just not good. The steals aren’t there either.
Good luck on your further pursuits as a fantasy basketball contributor.
Sincerely,
BV
Dear Mike Dunleavy,
Thank you for applying to be on my fantasy basketball team. Much like NBA GM’s, I can’t help but be intrigued by a dude who’s 6-9, can pass and rebound, and will step out to shoot the three pointer when prodded. Unlike NBA GM’s, and Golden State GM’s in particular, I will not be suckered into giving you a stupid amount of money and a long-term deal. And luckily, I don’t have to. In most leagues, you been sitting on waiver wires for most of the year (and rightly so), and can be had for pennies.
Because of your small price, and you recent hot streak, I am willing to accept your application and place you on my team on a provisional basis. You will be placed on the bench, where you will stay until you have proven your consistency. I do not have extra games to use on risks like you. However, if you maintain your hot streak for another 2 games or so, particularly focusing on your threes, I may give you some run in my Utility spot.
I’ll be blunt, Mr. Dunleavy. I don’t like you. I haven’t liked you since your days as a Blue Devil. I think you are incredibly overrated, and if your name wasn’t Dunleavy, and you didn’t go to Duke, you would have been a late first round pick rather than the No. 3 overall back in 2002. I hope you enjoy your time sitting on my bench – at the end of it.
Sincerely,
BV